Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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