her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
