Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
