i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
