So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
