you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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