I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
