I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
