The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
