i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
