I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize