drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize