You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
