I wish you could order shots online.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
