Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
