I smell stomach acid.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
