I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
