i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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