So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
