I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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