i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize