You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
