Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
