i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
