oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
