Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
