WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
