There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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