Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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