im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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