he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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