what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
