He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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