You smell like a Billy Joel song
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize