First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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