took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
