I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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