Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
