is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
