I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Randomize
