and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
