I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
