I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize