I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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