Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
