Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
