He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize