You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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