is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize