I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
