mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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