i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
