Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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