Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
