that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
