Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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