my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
