I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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