he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
