the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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