i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
