my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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